Letter To My First Born

These are our last few weeks of it just being you and me. Soon we will add a sibling to this little party of ours and as much as I love her already, I am saddened by this because I feel like I will be taking some of me away from you.

We have been partners since day one. We have a special connection and even though you favor Daddy, we have a different kind of relationship. We've always done everything together. I'm always thinking of ways to teach you about the world around and life. We would take trips to the zoo, to the children's museum, to the park, and we participated in a few Mommy & Me classes, like Kindermusik. With your baby sister on the way, I will have to split our time up between the both of you.

You have always required a lot of attention and I'm a little scared of what that will mean once baby sister comes. I know she will require a lot of attention too, so how will I split myself for both of you so you both get the attention you need? I know it's going to be a delicate balance, but I'm hoping I don't foster jealousy in you and I hope to find a way to include you in all things baby sister. I also hope you don't feel resentment that we've added a sibling to this mix. You've always been fascinated by babies and I think you will make a great big brother, but one thing is to see a baby while we're out or on tv and think it's cute, and it's quite another when that baby is a part of the family and needs mom's attention 24/7.

I know the first few weeks when Daddy will be here on his paternity leave there will be a lot of adjustments, not just to the new baby but in how we include you into this new normal. You see, I always wanted to have two children close in age because it fosters a friendship and a bond between the two children and I wanted to leave you with a sibling that you can talk to and relate with when the day comes that I'm not here. What I didn't consider was the complexities as a mom to make sure that both of you will receive the attention you need.

One of the ways I'm thinking of maintaining our bond is in spending one-on-one time with you when baby sister sleeps, and she will sleep a lot when she's new. I want you to know that I'm here for you too. I'm also starting to show you how to be a little more independent by giving myself some me time and allowing you your time to play or do whatever you like. You're at the age where you're starting to explore your toys on your own and you seem to be okay with playing on your own for a certain amount of time.

See, you have always been a needy child. As a newborn, I practiced attachment parenting not because I wanted to but because you demanded it. If I was not carrying you, you would cry. The only thing that saved me was the swing we had. I would put you in the swing when I really needed to do something that couldn't include you, like cook dinner, and you would be fine. But even as you got older, if you saw me doing something like writing a blog post, cleaning, or just trying to go to the bathroom in peace, you would run after me and demand I give you my full attention. It's always been a challenge for me because I have a house to care for and I also need some "me" time so I don't lose myself and my sanity completely in everything that it takes to care for a young child. Believe it or not, this is why we went to mommy and me classes because while I was participating in things with you, I was also given the opportunity to speak with other moms and not feel so alone. Now I need to do this with two kids.

I know this will only be temporary. You will be starting preschool at 4, so we will have one year of it being the 3 of us. We have a year of exploring the world, of showing you how to be a big brother and mom has a year to figure out how to be a stay at home mom of two and be able to bond and create a loving, nurturing environment for both of you so you both know I am here for you and I love you both equally. I know preschool is only in the morning but that is still such a huge milestone for both of us.

With the birth baby sister, that will mean that you and I will no longer make be able to make our breakfast together and lounge on the sofa while we share our meal and snuggle as two. It will now be the three of us and that will be such a different dynamic. I look forward to snuggling with both of you in the morning, but I also know I will miss the one-on-one time we always had.