I would like to apologize to you because as my second child, I cannot give you the undivided attention you deserve. You see, your brother is 3 and if you haven’t noticed yet, he can be very needy and a handful.
When your brother was a newborn, he was able to receive my full attention because there were no other children to care for. I was able to peacefully play with him and teach him without constant interruptions or tantrums from a rambunctious toddler. I was able to leave him for a bit without having to worry about another child coming along and trying to inadvertently kill him like I have to worry about you. We were able to snuggle for hours, like you want to do, without me having to put him down somewhere and deal with the impending disaster.
You see, your brother being the first-born was able to get more of me than you have been able to and I am so sorry for that. I was able to do Mommy & Me classes with him and we were able to spend time out together bonding and just being together. Mommy & Me classes with you will only be family classes where he participates as well because I can’t possibly leave him with a sitter to do Mommy & Me every week with you and vice versa. I want to be able to give you more time. I want to be able to give both of you all of me, but there is only so much of me to go around and by the end of the day I am so emotionally and physically exhausted from trying to split myself into two people that I want nothing more to do with either of you.
Since your brother is used to my undivided attention, I’m sure he feels like you are stealing his spotlight. In many ways, I feel completely torn between the two of you and I am still trying to find that balance between making him a part of your life and you a part of his, as well as trying to find a way to give you both my undivided attention. It’s a daily battle. His naptime is our time to be together and your naptime is when I can spend time with him. The problem isn’t with those times it’s when you are both awake and both want me.
Next year he will be starting Pre-K and we will have the mornings together to snuggle and for me to be able to teach you things without the jealous toddler screaming in our ears. And then when he gets home from preschool, I can spend time with him as well. You and I will be able to do mommy & me classes together, the way I did with Sebastian, but for now, I have to split my time between the two of you.
I’m sure once you get older and are not nursing as much it will get easier, but right now, Sebastian is just so used to having me all to himself that he really is battling with you for my attention. I know it’s not fair and for this, I apologize, but I do want you to know that I love you both so very much. My heart grew three times it size the moment you both came into my life, something I didn’t know was possible. I want to be able to give you all of me all of the time, but there just isn’t enough time in the day to keep both of you happy and still have time for myself as well.
I don’t mind sacrificing my time for you guys. I really don’t, but there is a limit to that you see. I need to be able to regroup myself and feel like ME so that I can take care of both of you in a sane manner. That doesn’t necessarily mean a weekend for myself, and right now that doesn’t even mean a day for myself, but an hour here and there will suffice, or maybe even as long as it takes me to take a hot shower being able to shave, moisturize and maybe even do a detox mask. The beautiful part is that one day you and I will be doing detox masks together and playing with each other’s hair and being girly. I’ll teach you to change your flat (on the car and bike) and how to do house maintenance, because as much as guys love to do that stuff, you won’t always have a man in your life to perform these things. And sometimes, even when you do, they’re too busy with their own errands that they won’t be able to. I’ll be able to teach you so much, but right now, you both need me so much and I am just split in two.
The day will come when you will get more of my attention, I promise.
Love you to the moon and back,