I’ve been meaning to write this letter for a while now, but I’ve been so busy preparing everything for your party that I just didn’t have the time. So here I am now writing to you post-party with all these fresh thoughts in my mind.

You, my love, just turned 5 years old. This is such a big deal for me because you are starting Kindergarten now in a few weeks and you will be in school for a full day. You have also lost 2 teeth, which is amazing to me since this seems to be on the early side, but you’ve always done things early. Losing your teeth is a sign to me of just how big you are getting and this makes me want to treasure every single moment I have with you. You are definitely no longer my little baby but are a big boy now and you are getting bigger by the day.

I feel, at times, like I haven’t been the best mom to you. You are my first child and I am going to make a million mistakes with you as I adjust to your ever-changing personality and all the milestones you hit. I am so sorry for all the mistakes I’ve made, but I am constantly learning from them and I am constantly trying to correct my behavior. I am trying, always, to be better for you and for your sister. I know Daddy is your favorite, and I am fine with that, but I want you to know that I love you more than life. You are my little boy and I do everything for you. I try really hard to keep things equal for you and your sister, but there’s a lot of times where she gets more of me then you do and times where you get more than she does. You are both totally different people and I try to always give you both what you need, sometimes sacrificing the needs of one over the other and that’s not fair to either of you, but unfortunately, there is only one of me and I can only do so much.

I am learning how to deal with your unique situation, because you are a unique being, by taking online classes at Positive Parenting Solutions and I’m hoping that it’ll teach both of us to be better to each other because I feel like we’ve reached a rough patch and I don’t like it. I don’t want it to be like this so I’m trying to fix us.

On a more positive note, you have grown up to be such a smart and handsome boy. You always tell me, “I know mommy, I know” and oftentimes you do. But, you need to listen to me more during the times you don’t. I’m hoping  that will come with time.

You are still super silly, but in a different way. You will do and say things at times that just make me giggle a little because of your youth and innocence. I also love how you’ve grown into an explorer and are questioning everything. It can be a bit maddening at times because you will start to ask questions at the most inappropriate times, but I love your inquisitiveness. I wish you could stay like this.

We are partners in everything. We have always been together doing things like taking trips to the zoo and shopping and that’s going to change now that you’re starting kinder. You will be at school more and will have homework to complete, so we won’t get to spend as much spontaneous time together and that makes me really sad. Since you were born it’s always been you and me. We would go everywhere together and do everything together. Then Maddie was born and it became we three; the three musketeers trudging through life and Miami together. We will still get some adventures, but it won’t be like it was. It will have to be planned and we won’t be able to be so spontaneous. What I miss most of all is being able to spontaneously proclaim, “ we’re going to Disney World next week” and just be able to go. Since you’re in school now, we can’t just leave on vacation because of your school schedule, so vacations will need to be planned in advance and are limited to the weekends and days you’re out of school, which makes vacationing a bit more cost prohibitive.

I will still find a way. We will still be the three musketeers going on our adventures, we’ll just have to do it locally now or plan it out really well.

It makes me sad that our relationship is evolving into something else because you are growing up.  I do miss our time together like what we had when you were little. I miss how we were before Maddie was born. It seems like we changed after she was born because we are including her now too, and she gets so jealous when she sees me giving you attention and I’m not giving her attention. I miss being able to snuggle with you and having it be just you and me snuggling to nap or watch tv. I miss how we would get super silly at a playdate together or how I could just focus my attention on you. Now I have to find a way to split myself between you and Maddie and I feel like I’m failing on all fronts because I just can’t focus fully on you or her, let alone me. It seems like I’m always juggling everyone’s time and not succeeding at anything. I think that maybe when school starts that will change because Maddie will have me all to herself when you’re at school and then when you get home she will hopefully let me focus on you. We’ll just have to see when school starts how we manage. Meanwhile, please know that I love you and I want to be able to give you more of me, I just can’t seem to find the way to do that perfectly yet, but I’m always trying.